Doing It My Way, with Justice for All






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There was once a man who had a beam in his eye. This was no

ordinary beam. It was a great beam made out of Douglas fir

from the vast forests of Oregon, from a tall, majestic tree that

had once housed a nest for a spotted owl.


People looked on the beam as a great inconvenience.  It

protruded from his eye exactly fifty-three and one-fourth

inches, and was constantly poking into things. It was an

especial nuisance in elevators and in church.  There were

people who absolutely refused to ride in the car pool with

him, and he was seldom invited to parties.


Everywhere he went he was inconvenienced. “This world

has absolutely no regard for people like me," he complained.

“They do not build cars for us; elevators are designed without

any regard at all. Even the public schools are callous to our

pain. I have quit going to church.  Something has really got to

be done.”


Once when he was going on and on about it,  his little daughter

said, “Daddy, why don't you have the beam removed?” His

reaction was so violent that she never mentioned it again.


The climax of his anger came when he was refused entrance

to medical school. “There is no reason why I should be denied

a license to practice medicine.  I know about eye problems, and

I want to specialize in ophthalmology.  You cannot refuse me.” 

But they did.


Most men would have given up at this point, but our friend was

made of sterner stuff. He founded Beamology, a newsletter

designed to promote “sensitivity toward Beamists,” as the

masthead said. Soon he had inquiries from all parts of the

country.  “The pain people are feeling in this country cannot

be described,” he said.  “I am absolutely amazed at how our

people are victimized by the cruelty of others.  People just can't

see it.”


After several months of publishing Beamology, a convention was

held in Philadelphia. Delegates came from all over the country

and from several foreign countries. Our friend appeared on the

Letterman show, and Oprah and Jimmy were looking into inviting

him. “People have no idea of the way our people are treated,” he

told Dave.


“As a result we are organizing the National Organization of

Beamists.  There will be N.O.B. chapters in every state in the

Union, and we are organizing a great march on Washington

next year to present our case to the United States Congress.

We need people of vision there.”  The most dramatic moment

of the show was a call from a member of the United States

Senate, saying that his daughter was a Beamist. “You cannot

imagine the shame and pain I have felt all these years. You have

given me courage and hope,” he said.


Soon N.O.B. buttons were seen on the lapels and blouses of

Hollywood celebrities.  Some went so far as to go to doctors to

have beams installed in their eyes to show that they cared. 

This led to a increased demand for Douglas fir, the wood of

choice, and this almost led to a confrontation with environmental

groups.  Conflict was avoided when the founder said that it was

not necessary to have a beam in the eye.  “Many of you have

beams in your heart, and we know that you care,” he said. 

There was no empty eye in the auditorium that night.


In the presidential election, a new president was elected. “It

was the vision thing,” the defeated incumbent said.  Congress

could see what was happening, and soon came through. 

Legislation was passed to provide special rights for Beamists

in school, public buildings, elevators. There was great resistance

from the auto industry, but when a Beamist ran into a school

bus in Alabama, because he had to sit sideways in his car, the

industry caved in, and made holes in the windshields.  This

caused other problems, but N.O.B. was happy.


N.O.B. provided curriculum guides to school teachers everywhere. 

“If we can teach children that a beam is normal, then we will have

achieved the goals of our organization,” their spokesperson said.

The break through came in Michigan.  The state organization

(M.O.B.) was the first to see legislation through the state house

to provide special rights in school.  For a time the governor

threatened to veto the act, but under the threat of a boycott

of the state from national groups, he saw the light and signed.  

Before long high school students in California thought it chic

to have beams in their eyes, and those who didn't have them lost

status.   “Visualize Beams" appeared on bumper stickers.


Under pressure from N.O.B. and groups with similar agendas,

preachers no longer mentioned beams.  There was a lawsuit in

Texas when a Sunday School class sang, “I'll Be a Sun-beam for

Jesus.”  My client has no sun-beams.  What is wrong with

wooden beams?” the lawyer for the plaintiff asked. The jury

awarded one million dollars in punitive damages.


“What is normal, after all,” said our friend the night he was

honored for a lifetime of warfare against the forces of reaction.

“We have our people everywhere.  Last year a Beamist was

elected to Congress for the first time.  We dominate the arts

and the more enlightened denominations are ordaining Beamists

to the ministry.   Next year we are publishing a vision-neutral

version of the New Testament and a vision-neutral hymnal.  And

I have been made an honorary member of the American Society

of Ophthalmology.”


Across man's kingdom, some people wondered why it seemed so

dark all the time.  Most people couldn't tell the difference, though.

(See Matthew 7:1-5).


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